


Wonder

by ImRetired



Category: Darker Than Black
Genre: F/M, I'm new to a03 so forgive me if anything transfers over weird or anything, Uhhh this was supposed to be a oneshot lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 18:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30109962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImRetired/pseuds/ImRetired
Summary: Hei's feelings for Yin keep growing stronger and he struggles to adjust to the emotions that are overcoming him. It seems the more he hides it the more it shows. Will he be able to be honest with himself? Can he be honest with her?
Relationships: Hei & Yin (Darker Than Black), Hei/Yin
Kudos: 2





	1. Wonder

**Author's Note:**

> Good lord I wrote this first chapter so many years ago lmao. Anyway I'm not gonna fix it, I like to consider this one a time capsule, but the rest are new so stay tuned and watch out for a drastic improvement lol (I hope the difference isn't too jarring)

Hei looked down at the sleeping figure lying against him. Her soft breathing brushed against his skin and sent goosebumps up and down his arm. She was wearing one of his shirts, a new habit that he's begun to notice. He's barely admitted to himself but, one might think she almost looks cute in his clothes. She snuggles deeper into his chest and he almost thinks he feels a blush sneak up his neck but he suppresses it before he can confront the possibility.

He wonders if she purposefully went to the couch just so she could sleep on top of him. The thought was quickly dismissed though, he knew she was beginning to feel, but she could never feel  _ that.  _ At least not for him anyway.

His eyes gently glide closed as he softly presses his lips against hers. Although no one in particular is watching, Hei feels the need to keep up the act. For once, he decides to take in Yin's presence as he embraces her. He gives the soft curve of her hip a squeeze as the fabric of her blue sundress flutters under his fingers. His other hand strokes her cheek before moving to comb through her silver locks. He can feel the life blossoming beneath her skin and he knows for sure she's just as human as any other. Heat rushes through him and he embraces the feeling instead of fighting it. It feels like he's tasting her for the first time, so he relaxes his shoulders and lets his guard down. He feels a shift within him, and although he doesn't know what it is, or what it could mean, he gives into the moment and doesn't let it bother him.

Yin relishes in the new passion that's being thrust upon her. She grasps his shoulders tightly and presses her lips harder against his. She wants to show him some of her passion too, but she's not sure she knows how.

Hei realizes that they've been kissing far longer than they normally do and reluctantly pulled away. He fears that he enjoyed it too much, that she can tell how desperate he was for her touch. Hei hoped that she would think nothing of it. Or maybe if he was lucky, that it could happen again.

"Hei," Yin muttered breathlessly.

"Sorry, was it too long?" He asked worried.

"No," She moved in closer. "I liked it."

Hei smiles a little as his eyes warm over. He doesn't know if this means she feels anything for him, and he still doesn't think he has the right to feel anything for her, but he'll cherish this moment for a long time.

Hei lets out a silent scream as he throws the covers off him. He thrusts himself into a sitting position fast enough to get whiplash. He'd suffered from another nightmare, something he wasn't keen on admitting until recently. His heart started to race as he recalled exactly what happened, what still could happen in his situation.

He and Yin had been very careful as they always are. Leaving no trace of their existence, no loose ends to tie. But their adversary is just as cutthroat, cunning, and calculating as they are, and there was no true way to escape them. Hei's skill set and exquisite training gave them the upper hand in most cases, but being kept in the dark about what the Syndicate was planning gave them more chances to take control of the situation.

In this horrific hallucination of realism, they're overpowered by a contractor. Unlike most of his nightmares, he gives his all. There's no freezing in place, his bones don't turn to jelly, nor does his mind scream in his head as his dream body takes over and makes every mistake like it normally does when stupid dream logic takes over. This time he's in full control and fights at full capacity. Yet, that is the scariest part. The fact that he did everything in his power and it still wasn't enough...it shocked him to his core. He was completely out of control, and there was nothing in him to reclaim the power he once had.

Before he knew it, Hei lied there motionless, near death, but still coherent enough to see the contractor approach Yin. She trembled in fear to the best of his imagination. Her eyebrows curved upwards and the corners of her mouth went in the opposite direction. He hated to have to classify this as her first facial expression. He never wanted her to experience a fear that would bring this out of her.

The contractor struck her down mercilessly. She never stood a chance, not without him by her side. Who could she depend on? He failed her, and now he couldn't even embrace her in her last moments. All he could do was lie there in his worthlessness. He wondered if she'd be better off had he not instilled the false hope of escape in her mind. She'd still be a doll working for the Syndicate. She'd still be seen as disposable in their eyes, and no one would come to appreciate the emotion she held within her. But she'd be alive! Maybe...maybe she'd find some enjoyment in between the constant corruption that swirled around her.

He'd be alone, but it's not like he'd deserved any better. She'd treated him better than anyone he'd ever known, and she knew all of him. The only time he was treated with kindness was when he acted as Li. She was the only one who knew of the masked killer and still cared, and still knew there was more to him than both of them. Li was all smoke and mirrors, but the black reaper wasn't who he wanted to be. She was the only one who understood that, and he didn't deserve her.

So Hei sat there trying to be as still as possible in his semi-panicked state. He didn't want to wake Yin with his nightmares again, even though seeing her awake and alive often did help him cope, she needed her rest and he wouldn't rob her of that.

"Hei...?" Too late.

"It's okay Yin, go back to sleep." Hei whispered.

"..." She didn't need to say anything, he already knew. She's perfectly aware of what he dreams about -what he struggles with.

"I'm fine Yin, really..." He couldn't look her in the eyes. Though she was blind she saw right through him, and he couldn't face her just then. She placed her knee on the edge of his bed, hovering over him. Her right hand grabbed his upper thigh while her left pulled his face toward her.

"I'll stay with you tonight Hei."

Hei's face lit up at the thought of them sleeping together. He knew she didn't mean anything by it, but he couldn't stop his mind from wandering.

"Yin, you don't have to do that..." He turned his eyes away from her searing gaze.

"I want to be with you Hei," She urged. "I feel...I feel like..." Her hand trailed down to his neck, then to his broad shoulders. Hei felt a pleasant shiver crawl down his back.

"I clearly can't stop you can I?" Hei laughed, looking down at his almost-lover. She lifted a finger to her lips and made a half smile. Hei smiled back as she slid under the covers with him. "Okay, but just this once."

He wondered if he should hold her or not. What would she do if he did? Would she push him away and move to the edge of the bed with her back to him? Would she decide never to sleep with him again? Would she think him a pervert and slap his hand away? God this is ridiculous! No one thinks this intensely about cuddling!

He decided to just risk it, if anything he could just apologize or play it off as an accident. So he slid a tentative arm over her waist, placing almost no weight on her. She'd already fallen asleep. Yin lied there motionless on her back, never tossing or turning. She remained calm, even in heat of nightmare, as a doll should be. But he could tell when she was pained or struggling to express herself. He was glad he could at least help her with that if anything. She remained still, and it saddened him to see that he had no effect on her.

He held her tighter, pulling her toward him.

Nothing.

Hei slipped his other arm under her and gave her an affectionate squeeze.

She shifted a little and Hei smiled at his small victory.

He pulled her head under his chin and relished in the feel of her sweet breath on his skin. Yin unconsciously lifted her arms to rest against his chest and tangled her legs with his.

"Hei," She breathes. "Goodnight."

Although she said she'd only do it once she comes back again and again each night, regardless of whether or not he's had a nightmare. He doesn't stop her. For every night she sleeps beside him is a full one and he feels more alive each time he wakes up.

He thinks he loves her. He wonders if that's okay.

She leans on his shoulder as she naps. He doesn't feel awkward or nervous like he normally does. It feels right...being together like this. So he doesn't let himself get worked up about not deserving her. Although he still doesn't fully believe he does.

After all, he can tell she doesn't like it when he puts himself down, even though he does it in silent privacy of his own mind. So if something like that bothers her then he must mean something to her right?

She moves in closer and he grasps her tighter in response. As he looks down at her he thinks he can admit that she  _ might  _ look a little cute in his shirt. But those are still a few words that won't make it past his lips just yet.

He kisses her. He doesn't have any reason to, they're in the privacy of their hotel room and there's no audience for their little act. He finds this is happening more often than ever. But she seems to like it so he figures he's done no harm.

Ever since their first true kiss, he tries to make each one just as special. His hand strokes her face as he steps into her embrace, pulling her closer. Hei licks her lips, asking for entrance...though she may not understand, this is the first time she's had this type of kiss. But to his surprise she responds with her tongue, kissing him back fiercely. In his surprise he stills for a moment allowing her to push her tongue farther into his mouth. He feels heat rush up to his cheeks, across his chest, and to places  _ unknown _ . He's glad she's too busy with his lips to notice the smouldering blush he's sporting.

She slips her hands under his shirt and softly caresses and massages his bare back. Hei feels sparks fly and shoot all throughout the insides of his body. And though that sounds dangerous and uncomfortable, it excites Hei in more ways than he could ever imagine. The fire within him burns brighter with her touch and he feels it start to sear his soul as he lets out a subtle tremble.

He can almost, just  _ almost _ feel her smiling against his lips. In a moment it's gone, but he can still feel genuine happiness coming from her, and that's enough.

He needs to breathe, but when he tastes her tongue in his mouth he considers suffocating.

But Yin too needs to breathe, so she pulls away and Hei considers himself lucky to be alive.

Hei wondered how they got where they are now. How he's able to wrap his arms around her with such intimacy without having to struggle with the irrationality of it all. How He's gotten close enough to see her grow and change, to grow with her. To be a contractor and a doll that feel strongly enough to genuinely kiss one another. To feel what he thought was lost once the stars disappeared.

He's glad they've become so comfortable around each other now. That they've gained such a strong trust in one another. That he didn't let the fear his feelings keep them apart.

He knows he loves her. And odds are that she loves him too. He waits for the perfect moment to tell her.

That moment never comes. She's gone before he can even say goodbye.

He thinks she's dead for the longest, and the friend he has now is the bottle. If he's lucky it'll bring a hazy hallucination of her back to him.

He hears someone tell him she's alive, he's so close to passing out that he almost doesn't hear her.

But in that moment, he vows to find her. He won't fail her this time. And he'll do whatever it takes.


	2. The Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hei successfully manages to bring Yin back to life, but they both learn that not everything can return to how it once was.

He cradles her as he walks, making no attempts at rest despite his swaying steps. After all the years he’s spent alone, his resolve only strengthens with her finally in his grasp. Staring forward, his mind is blank of everything but the sound of her shallow breathing, and the feeling of her pulse against his fingers. The only thing holding him together is the knowledge that she’s  _ there _ . Wholly. Completely. He feels like a wire’s been reconnected in his brain- in his  _ soul _ .

His relief is all encompassing, draining and supporting him at once. It’s a feeling he hasn’t known since she disappeared, he’d nearly forgotten how much comfort her form alone could bring to him. Even with his heavy limbs he’s never felt so light. He squeezes her tighter to shake off the sinking suspicion that this might be a dream. To actually feel her alive and in his arms seems impossible enough, but he knows his dreams have never been so merciful, so he forces his trembling legs to walk on while he still has the chance. 

The gate is as toxic and empty as he remembers it. It would mirror the outer city perfectly if it weren't for its vacant streets and foreign energy. Even the stars didn't fall the same; the night sky blinking in and out of existence with less and more of itself as contractors died and lived. 

Yin is painfully still. 

He continues on regardless, his fingers on her pulse.

He shuffles past all the debris left behind by Izanami's carnage. It feels like he’s been walking for days, but Yin’s weight in his arms is enough to distract him from the ache in his legs. In the distance he recognizes the decaying hideout the Syndicate once organized for him. He feels as though his body’s done him a favor, carrying them all this way while Yin clouded his thoughts. 

He enters, surprised to find that the inside is perfectly preserved in contrast to its rotting exterior. 

It’s a lot like him, he thinks. Alone. Falling apart, and yet… maintaining the capacity to support Yin. For as long as he’s alive there will always be room in him dedicated to protecting her. 

With a tenderness one wouldn’t expect from a contractor, he gently places Yin on the bed and covers her with a blanket before resting his coat on top. Her lithe form is so distantly familiar, and for a moment he can’t breathe. The sight of her steals all thought, takes any heartbeat that might’ve been his own and reserves them solely for her.

He can’t help but wonder when it all started. When he first felt her warmth, or first grabbed a hold of her and decided it wasn't worth it to let go. He still remembered the way the sun kissed her skin as she let the cool breeze ruffle her dress and hair. He still remembered how her breath would quicken as he leaned in to capture her lips… and how his heart would do the same in turn.

If he closed his eyes he was sure he’d feel her comforting hand upon his shoulder, upon his hand, his side. Anywhere he’d allow. Everywhere he’d allow. She was under his skin now, she had to be. It was the only explanation for how she’d always known when he needed to be held, or just how to say his name in order to make him crumble in her arms.

She was the only person left who could understand him this way. Who could love him as he truly was. She’d surpassed even the limitations of her dollhood to feel and express a love Hei wasn’t sure he deserved. His heart raced in fear at the thought of not only him but the world losing her light. The thought of her out there somewhere was enough to keep him alive, to keep him fighting. Even if he couldn’t stand beside her, Yin deserved to live and thrive on her own. Out of all the mistakes under his belt, in his mind her suffering would be forever marked as his greatest failure. He placed a tentative hand over hers to center himself but did not dare to squeeze. 

He's sober now. He thinks he should be grateful, -No he  _ is  _ grateful. He wouldn’t want Yin to see him like that. And he didn’t want to find out if he was truly capable of hurting her in the end. He might not have retained much of his inebriated antics, but he knew from the battered knuckles and sore muscles he often awoke to that he was far from a peaceful drunk. Still, without its distraction he can’t fend off the burning thought that he’d somehow managed to cause all this.

She’d trusted him, followed him, remained his  _ partner  _ when she could’ve abandoned him… And he’d brought death to her doorstep. Even now as he fought to rectify his mistake the list of regrets continued to turn in his head, all leading to a single soul sinking fact: He didn’t just fail to protect her, he caused the bond between Yin and Izanami. 

He wouldn't even be alive right now if it weren't for her actions inside the gate all those years ago. But whose hand was it that reached for him inside the gate? Did Yin have any idea what she was risking when she reached out to him? He wondered if he would've chosen differently had he known her saving him was the catalyst for all this chaos. 

If he would have rejected the hand that had so defiantly sought him out to save her all this trouble. It seemed to him that no matter who he loved, he was cursed to lose them, and they often paid a much higher price for getting involved with him.

_ ‘I should’ve known better,’ _ He thought.  _ ‘I should’ve stayed away.’ _ But as he remembers the sound of her voice in the gate, the idea hardly lingers. He’d never heard such an infliction from a doll before. No one had ever sought his companionship so desperately before, and her longing had so expertly reached his own. She’d twisted something in him, for the first time in years he felt allowed to want something other than revenge or to fulfill some brotherly duty. 

He wanted to be with her, she who’d chosen him when she could’ve escaped the Syndicate. She who’d checked up on him at his lowest, even after all the coldness he’d shown her. Even while it caused her pain. He wasn’t sure if he’d realized it before that moment, but he needed to hear her voice in his ear, to see her every day, to know that she was safe and free, and maybe if it wasn’t too impossible...happy. If there was any way he could give her that, then there was no chance of him turning away.

He’d promised to stay by her side after all. His heart would always be drawn back to hers. 

He strokes the back of her hand with his thumb and is both grateful and concerned about what little warmth is left upon her skin. He recalls then, the warmth, the softness her gentle embrace had brought him. He can feel her breath against his mouth and the familiar sensation of her lips nearing his leaves him trembling. He remembers every touch, every press of her lips against his. He can feel it even now as tears cloud his eyes, her ever soft mouth coasting over his.

He frowns at her stillness, crumbling further. He doesn't know if he's done the right thing. Izanami could wake instead and destroy everyone and everything. Yin could die. But he can’t end this. Not until he knows for sure. She’s his drive, his purpose. He’ll wither without her.

Giving up on her would be a death sentence for the both of them.

“I’ve really screwed this up haven't I, Yin?” He moans to himself. 

Minutes pass. Then hours. 

The sun rises and sets again but he isn’t surprised. His breath is heavy, there’s an odd sleep deprived tremble about him, and his hair is thoroughly askew after raking his hands through it all night. Strangest of all is he’s not even hungry. Her breathing pattern shifts as she awakens, and Hei in turn holds his own breath in anticipation. He sees her eyes moving behind her eyelids, and he knows the second she lays those beautiful purple eyes on him it’ll all be worth it. 

Her breathing picks up suddenly, and her hand twitches to life beneath his. Her forehead is littered with perspiration and her expression shifts ever so slightly; Eyes squeezing shut and relaxing, her nose scrunching in tune with a struggling frown. He leans in desperately, his heart pounding so hard he fears he might drop dead before she wakes. 

He blinks and the image of her in his shirt flashes before him. He can feel her leaning against his shoulder as she napped beside him. He can taste his name in her mouth. How had she managed to make a sigh sound so perfect?

As close as he is to victory, the thought of losing that memory now haunts him.

The tiny window on the opposite side of the room pops open, raining glass upon the floor. The shrieking wind explodes around them, and Hei thinks he sees the cracks along the walls deepen. A few rats scurry out of their hiding places, chasing safety. 

Yin gasps and the ground shakes in tune. Hei can taste ash in his mouth, feel nails clawing at his back. He might be bleeding but he doesn’t move, the pressure he applies to Yin’s hand being the only thing distinguishing him from a statue.

The wind carries a woman’s voice now, screaming her bloody opposition. Hei doesn’t know which of them is the force behind it. He doesn’t move. The fear that Izanami won’t relent corrupts him, but he allows frightened tears to cloud his eyes without letting fear consume his mind. Yin takes priority and he refuses to give up now. Not until every nerve in his body fades out of his control. Not until they’re both dead.

Izanami can’t have her.  _ The Gate _ can’t have her, it still has one wish left to grant.

He clasps her hand in both of his and lets the memory of her wash over him,  _ drown  _ him. He thinks of all she’s become, all they’ve been through together. Everything they’d risked and sacrificed for their dream of freedom. Every gesture she’s made to protect him… even  _ this _ , which had almost led him to ruin. In a whisper he begs for her return as he presses his lips to her knuckles. It’s as close to prayer a monster like him can get.

He wonders if he’s allowed to be with her after this. After failing her so terribly.

For a moment she falters, and he sees any sign of fight leave her. He holds her tighter, and promises then and there that he’ll do anything if it means she can live. Even if it means leaving her. If being alone meant freeing her from his curse he’d gladly suffer for the rest of his life. 

He whispers his pledge into her hair, then, not even a second later he can see the whites of her eyes as she struggles to open them further. For a minute nothing moves. His heart doesn’t beat. No air passes through his lungs. There’s not a twitch among his muscles. 

Until he finally breathes her name.

And she breathes his.  _ “Hei…” _

When Yin comes back to life her world feels altered, mirrored. The waves she drifted along lead her somewhere she wouldn’t have reached otherwise. The puzzle of her mind was almost complete, and though a few holes remained here and there the picture was clear.

And he’s right there beside her. He’s tearful, and ragged, and a little different from how she remembers, but he’s there. Holding her, petting her hair, and sighing her name like she’s something out of a dream. And maybe she is.

For a long moment she merely lays there, unblinking. Unbreathing. Still beyond measure. She can’t be sure if this is all some grand illusion meant to keep her placid within Izanami’s control. But he’s there, same as always; holding her hand. Guiding her home. She takes a deep spellbreaking breath, and suddenly the tears are flowing freely. She's alive. In control. And in awe of every sensation that washes over her. 

Her fingers reach up to her soaking cheeks, into her hair, over her collarbone and the soft hills of her breast down to her stomach… everything feels new after those years spent in solitude. She reaches lower and feels Hei's eyes leave her and notices the flush on his cheeks as she explores a body she hadn’t felt in over two years. 

...Her hands stop for his sake. Yin pulls his coat tighter around herself, satisfied with its surprisingly soft interior. 

"I'm sorry, it must be a lot to take in." Hei says, clearing his throat. "Do you want to be alone?"

Her hand finds his wrist in a gesture similar to his own. "No, never."

He doesn't speak, but the soft breath he exhales tells her he feels the same. Her hand wastes no time trailing up his arm, relearning his shape… his rough softness.

“Yin…” Hei breathes. She rises to meet his lips but begins to feel the edges of exhaustion ebb at her. She settles for his collarbones instead. His palms ghost over her waist, fingers tensing and pulling away before returning to the heat of her skin. As if he’s afraid to touch her, but unable to stop.

“No, don’t sit up-” He asserts. Or tries to. His every word a sigh. She kisses her way up to his Adam's apple and breathes deeply. She feels him swallow. Feels his slight tremble beneath her touch. Her mouth curves up effortlessly.

“You’re too tall.” She relents, teasing him for the first time. He grabs her hand and bows his head. Suddenly his face is buried in her hair and his hand is sliding up her back. His hand twitches against her bare skin like he’s trying to hold a scalding cup before it's had a chance to cool. But he roams her shape regardless, barely hesitating as he presses his lips to her throat. 

He squeezes tighter, shifts closer. He slides a hand up her spine as if re-memorizing her. She feels his eyelashes against her skin as he sinks deeper, falls further into her. She slips her arms around his shoulders and sighs his name as a hand runs through his hair. Hei stops abruptly, sitting up to meet her eyes. He cups her cheeks and stares for a long while. She can’t quite see him but she can feel his eyes boring into hers with some tortured look. Like she could disappear at any moment, and he doesn’t want to enjoy her too much.

“...Hei?”

A thumb strokes her cheek as he leans in. His lips ghost hers for a moment… but he stops himself. “You should get some rest.”

She relents and starts to pull her arms from around him before letting her palms linger over his own cheeks. They slide down his collarbones and he huffs out a restrained breath. “You should sleep too.” Yin says, sliding over.

Hei sucks in a sharp breath before fumbling out an incoherent response. Yin reaches out and grabs his forearm, thumbing over his pulse. “Come here.” She murmured sweetly. Suddenly the words die on his tongue, and he’s in bed beside her, watching her through his eyelashes like she’d disappear if he closed his eyes again. 

Things are different for Yin upon her return. There is an undeniable shift in her mind and body. For the first time since she was a child the fleeting emotions she struggled to understand felt clear, and some, had become distinct and all encompassing. Though bringing the flurry of emotion within to her expression still proved a challenge, the feelings are there and she finally understands them.

After everything, she fully understands the weight of one's resolve- their wants and desires, the joy of an average, boring life… even the bitter loss of all that. She’d felt it all for herself... That, and the unbelievable satisfaction of a second chance. Her heart sang with warmth at the thought, it was more than others could usually say for themselves. 

Even her movements had grown more fluid, her body obeying her will over some polished code. 

Being alive again, breathing and moving on her own, making her own choices, even the smallest of them, feeling the  _ moonlight  _ on her skin and knowing that she of all people got to experience the impossibility of its return... It felt like the end of a long winter.

Of course her time alone hadn’t ebbed away completely. Every now and then she’d forget herself, in still corners and unsuspecting moments. She’d freeze up around the house, trapped in less of a memory and more of a feeling. She’d come out of said episodes just as motionless as she was within them, certain Izanami would be there waiting to suffocate her in her overwhelming might if she so much as moved.

She was always there during Yin’s hibernation. Crawling over her mind and clinging to her psyche like a second skin. If Yin’s time alive taught her joy, then her time with Izanami taught her suffering.

But she isn’t alone. Despite how impossible it seemed, Hei kept his promise. And when she’s lost he brings her back, standing by her side as she’d always known he would. The nightmare hasn’t ended yet, but day by day life began to feel more and more real.

Even so, Yin could not be satisfied. She’d returned to Hei, but he hadn’t done the same to her.

Things were different between them now, muted and distant. He'd moved away from her- from whatever they had together.

She could feel it in the way his eyes strayed from her path. In how he flinches at the sight of her spectre. In his painfully hesitant touch. Even their once comfortable silence had grown tense with Hei’s unease. It wasn’t long until the soft pressure of his palm at the small of her back or the gentle stroke of his fingers tucking her hair behind her ear was little more than a dream.

They did not speak of what happened between them before they were separated. Hei did not acknowledge her deathbed confession of love. The feelings that’d fought so hard to make a home in her had become little more than an elephant in the room.

She was sure he’d loved her once… but she’d never felt as far from him as she did now. 

As the days went on Yin began to feel a familiar ache. One she remembered from their brief stunt as runways- that awful mixture of loss and longing. 

And yet, the stubbornness she’d harbored throughout her past life persisted. Insisting it wasn’t over.

It wouldn’t be over until he stopped saying her name like it was the only thing holding him together. Until his stare no longer bore into her back. Until his fingers no longer fumbled between hers as he attempted to readjust to their marriage cover. A lie that would’ve been smooth and effortless had he truly felt nothing.

He'd stop leaning into her direction if it was over, stop breathing in deep whenever she got too close. 

The night kept that hope alive. They’d slip into their separate beds as Hei always insisted, and Yin would lie awake, haunted by the memory of the resort, the camp, her own mind… every safe place that turned to disaster. She’d roll over, trying to fill a space she couldn’t full out on her own-

Then the rustle of his sheets would echo through her ears and she knew she was in his sights. He’d lie still for a long moment, watching her through his eyelashes like a ghost in a salt circle. With a tug of her hand the sheets were open to him and he was staggering into bed beside her.

Yin could feel her heart beat just a second faster at the slow crawl of his fingers over her waist, between her shoulder blades. Sighing, she’d arch into him- his touch so rare now that it practically burned. 

He always got as close as possible, frowning as he tugged her closer- as though it hurt to be too far away. He’d dip his head until his nose traced her jawline and breathe deep… again and again, his lips skimming her flesh. Her heart would pound again as the night carried his hushed whisper,  _ “Please, please, please,” _

The emotion in his voice would reach places in her she didn’t know existed. She could only cup his face, peer down at him with eyes clouded with cataracts. Looking closely she could just barely see his expression of unrestrained longing morph into something like mourning. Almost like he’d made up his mind about her rejection. He’d bow his head then, sleep taking him. 

Even knowing she’d wake alone, his soft breath against her chest was better than anything the sunlight’s ever given her.

~

He works late one night. So late the sound of electric shocks and pain filled grunts flood her mind. Though she trusted him with all her heart the thought of him suffering ate at her. Yin knew intimately just how much he could stand; she’d felt his agony as he strained to be near her, to  _ save her _ as she slowly tore his soul from his body. 

A wave of nauseous guilt hits her and she decides she has to send out her spectre, just to make sure he’s okay. Just to see him. Despite being well aware by now that he’s afraid of it. Afraid of its size and shape. Of the residue Izanami left behind in her. 

And she’s scared too. Of how close she came to killing him, of all the ways she might still be able to hurt him. Seeing his wary expression in her spectre made it impossible to forget.

She looks regardless, worry winning out against whatever discomfort her spectre might cause him. Hei flinches at the sight of her but only for a split second. Yin half listens to him explain he's working overtime, more calmed by the sight of him than anything else. She stays a moment longer than she intends, watching as the tension eases out of his shoulders. Watching long enough to see him return to his element, to think he's majestic. 

He's her last sight before drifting off to sleep, hand still submerged in the glass beside her.

She dreams of him that night. Something of a twisted memory- Hei taking a beating… only she’s on the other side of it. And she doesn’t stop short.

He's kneeling over her when she wakes, brows furrowed with worry, hands clenched on her shoulders. Yin doesn't remember exactly what she dreamed, left with more of a feeling than anything else. But the sight of his pained face only mirrors her dream and she’s filled with fear and revulsion.

There’s a wetness on her cheeks and a panic in her heart and even though Hei’s right there in front of her, it feels like he’s just another ghost. She feels that lonely ache again, but it's different. It's like a hole inside her. A desire that threatens emptiness if left alone. And she's scared she'll lose herself in it. 

"Yin! It’s alright, you’re dreaming…” He says, placing a gentle palm to her cheek. And suddenly he’s there. A life preserver in a black ocean. 

She runs her hands up his arms and feels that warmth she was missing as she slept. Clearing his throat, he releases her- but all Yin can think is that she doesn’t want him to stop touching her.

She lunges forward, hands sliding over his shoulders, fingers stroking his neck and threading through his hair...

“Oh,” he breathes, and for a moment everything about him is still. And then she’s kissing him. Her lips move almost instinctively against his as the memories flood her. He’s as warm as she remembers, the hand at her back just as gentle. She’s filled with bliss at the hushed movement of his mouth.

He seems more relaxed than he’d been in weeks at first. Then he’s pressing closer, opening his mouth to her- confessing his unrestrained desire with his body. Completely absorbed in their embrace, just as she was.

And for a moment Yin doesn’t wonder if things have changed, if he still cares the way he did before. One second he’s holding her, the next he’s pulling away and there’s an arm’s length distance between them.

Hei breathes heavily, as if that simple peck knocked all the wind out of him.

“Yin,” He huffs. “We should stop.”

Yin is too shocked for words but she could guess by Hei’s sharp intake of breath that her sorrow read on her face regardless. Hei doesn’t speak. He doesn’t change his mind or provide her with some hidden truth or explanation. She clings to him for a long time. It’s as if she’s trying to hold on to what they were- the fantasy she was so sure she was returning to. But his expression remains cold, guarded. 

Tears cloud her eyes, and for the first time since their reunion she sees past her longing, past her denial, and straight into him. Sees his exhaustion, his reluctance, and the insurmountable obstacle between them.

“It’s over, isn’t it?” Her words are oddly calm despite her quavering voice. She pulls her hands away, untangling herself from him. She hears him stutter out some response but the words don’t quite reach her ears. Yin would’ve seen his regret, his desire to fix all this somehow and  _ be _ with her the way he really wanted- but she knew better than to keep looking.

Instead she feels that movement in her chest, the one that started it all. And for the first time since her evolution, Yin laments her beating heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Can't forget to shoutout to bubblesnake who did the French translation for this chapter! (You by all means don't have to but I ope you're down to do the coming chapters sorry for not letting you know I'm continuing this life's been hectic)


End file.
